You Can't Change Time

My session Thursday with A went well. After going over the previous comparisons of what life is like with/without cutting, we then discussed what the reality of the situation was (i.e. what I have control over changing). I again was surprised by this assignment because I found out that there is a lot more I am in control of than I thought. That was very encouraging for me to come up with so many things that I have control over and the possibility to change. The hardest thing for me is to control my thoughts. I am so used to tearing myself down and thinking negatively about myself that it is hard for me to believe that I am really capable of doing anything. Deep down I know that's not true, but when I'm face to face with something as emotionally charged as my self-injury, all I can do is think I'm too weak to change it.

We got on the subject of time, as I mentioned I realized that by drawing out this addictive behavior, all I'm doing is taking time away from myself which is highly motivating for me to change. One of the hardest things for me to cope with is getting older. I hate it. I haven't enjoyed a birthday since I was 16. The idea of getting older means to me that I am just one step further away from being able to have what I want. One year older to me means a lower chance of ever finding a husband. I mean, who wants to be in a relationship with a 26 year old that has never had a boyfriend? The bigger that number gets, the smaller my chances get. So while time is a motivating factor to help me stop cutting, it is extremely detrimental in my thinking in just about every other aspect of my life. In the 18 months I have been seeing A, that is the one thought that has made no improvement. Not even a little bit. I have changed so much in so many other areas, but I just cannot seem to change my thoughts on this. Argue till you are blue in the face and I still can't seem to change. A was quick to point out that I have honed in on one of the only things where I truly have no control and never will. I tend to do that in most areas of my life, that is, focus on the one or two things that I have the least control over and obsess on what I can do to change them. This time I picked a doozy. One that I will never be able to have any influence on no matter how hard I try. You can't change time.

In other news, I'll be heading back to the hospital on Tuesday to have a procedure done to figure out what exactly is complicating my recovery from gallbladder surgery. The pain I was having prior to surgery is still happening, but has become much more frequent since then and more painful. Hopefully they can figure out what the problem is and fix it. I had an "attack" Wednesday when I was driving and had to pull over and wait it out because I could barely concentrate on driving. Your prayers are appreciated for a successful procedure and some answers to get me on the road to healing!