Dread and Fear

I was dreading tonight. I was afraid to tell A the reason why I cut. I was afraid of what she would say/do/think. I was afraid of how I would react. I was afraid of moving more and more towards the things that scare me, but the things that will help me grow.

After our normal pleasantries, we moved onto other things, like my relapse of cutting this week, my homework from the previous week and my continued minimization of my abuse. The trifecta. I let her read a journal entry I wrote (basically a mirror image of my last post) of what lead up to and why I cut. I really felt it important to be honest with how I use cutting as a coping mechanism in order to quit doing it.

That lead us to a conversation of why I think I need a physical reason/proof to prove to myself and others that I am hurting emotionally. It all boiled down to the fact that I never got the proof when I was younger that it was OK to be emotionally hurt, but that physical pain was understood and acknowledged. We also talked about who I am trying to prove this to. I know I'm in pain, she knows I'm in pain. Have I been trying to convince other people and had my pain minimized? No, of course not. But the problem with that is no one knows I'm even in this much pain. I can't trust most of the people in my life right now (mom, dad, sister, best friend, etc) because they have proved to be minimizers in the past (abuse and otherwise). It is a vicious circle. I want/need someone who always minimzed it in the past to tell me now that it's OK that I'm feeling what I'm feeling. And I'm not getting that.. so that means I must be wrong. Ugh.

We went over my homework which was to help me try and visualize my recovery as not something black and white, but as a gray journey, bookended with accomplishments/changes and desires/goals. I have trouble thinking in the gray. Going through my list of changes was quite humbling. Sometimes I forget how much I really have changed in the year that I have been with A. She even said, "If I had told you a year ago that you were going to be able to list these things as something you have already accomplished/changed and are living it now, you would have one, been so overwhelmed by the idea, and two, laughed at the prospect that you could change this much. In all honesty, this is pretty rapid growth." That felt good... and I actually believed it. I worked hard for those changes.

After the list of changes, was the list of things I still want to change/work on. I have trouble identifying these things when I am not in a state of pain. It's like the happiness clouds my judgement, but I had plenty of pain to go around last week so I got a good list. I tried to prioritize it by putting little stars to the ones I thought needed the most immediate attention, aka the ones that scare me the most. One of the biggest ones for me is my fear of touch/physical intimacy. Just like a year ago I am looking at a list of things that I think are going to be impossible to conquer. My list is a lot shorter now, but the remaining things are the ones that hurt the most. I know that I am going to get better because I am going to keep doing the same thing I have done this past year. I am going to TRY. It is going to hurt... a lot, but I am going to do it.


Anonymous said...
January 19, 2010 at 11:22 PM

I'm so glad you were able to talk about your blog and everything. I mean, it is a big part of you and how you communicate and just part of you. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Proud.

Being Me said...
January 20, 2010 at 9:10 AM

Don't let others decide your life, because if you hurt, you know for sure it's not right. There's no grey area. No one deserves any form of abuse.
The choice to be happy, to overcome pain is your own. Don't dangle in the middle - nothing happens there.
No one else can decide for us and achieve it for us. Only we can do it ourselves.
Change for the better requires forward steps - nobody says they have to be big ones.


Harriet said...
January 20, 2010 at 10:52 AM

You covered a lot of ground, it sounds like a very productive session. I can understand your reluctance to talk about starting your new blog right away though. I personally am glad that you are continuing to write and share.

Rhonda said...
January 20, 2010 at 4:22 PM

Even though you may not feel as though you accomplished anything in your session, you did!!! You gained strength and even more courage sweety. I am so proud of you!!!

I know first hand how much it means to have my blog. It's a world of freedom for me. Of comfort and support from those who may not know me personally physically, but know me well personally on an emotional level. It's good that you started your new blog. It truly DOES help us heal.

I also can relate to the cutting. Wow! You got a confession out of me. I've tried it quite a few times. For some reason, it seems as though it helps me really feel the pain because I can see it. I can't really describe it. I've only done it a few times but those few times was like an addiction that I could feel forming within me.

Hang in there sweety! You are doing great!!! I'm in YOUR corner!


Dr. Deb said...
January 21, 2010 at 4:52 PM

Find the pace you need to take. Don't let anyone else make your choices.

Sounds to me that you are doing great work.

Anonymous said...
January 21, 2010 at 9:29 PM

Just came by to give you a hug tonight.....(((Lily))).

Just Be Real said...
January 22, 2010 at 1:23 AM

((((Lily)))) So glad you were able to share dear one. Although hard, you are making great strides!

Colleen said...
January 29, 2010 at 4:13 AM

You said a lot here, The thing that stuck out for me was the minimizing. That has always been hard for me to deal with. Difficult to think that someone does not understand my pain or makes light of it. Painful.
You are so honest here. Even though you have to hide your identity does not change your openness and honesty. It is good to take care of yourself. Hope the writing it out like this helps you. Hugs.