I Can't Be Myself

It's your fault they found you.

It's your fault that you weren't careful enough.

Last night I sat down to work a bit on my homework. I just felt pulled to my computer to begin this letter to myself. I tried to remember what exactly the goal was and tried to logically think my way through the many aspects of my life that longed to be on the page in front of me. After going that route for a while, I erased it all. This letter is not supposed to be logical and precise. It is supposed to be from the heart. I was using the wrong organ (muscle? is the brain considered a muscle?). I thought of everything that hurt me, from birth to high school, all involving some aspect of my parents inaction/neglect as well as the abuse. I don't know how many times I wrote the phrase "I'm sorry" to myself. It's a lot. But still not as many times as I should have heard it from my parents. No, there aren't enough of those in the world.

9 comments:

Stephanie said...
January 22, 2010 at 10:42 PM

Hi Lily-
So glad you found me. I understand your frustration that it can seem like you are writing into a black hole, unsure if anyone hears you or cares. Keep writing...people will find you and maybe in the process you will discover more about yourself too.
Bless you for having the courage to share your story. My favorite movie is It's A Wonderful Life-you never know whose life you deeply touched but you can be sure like George that you did.
xo

Just Be Real said...
January 23, 2010 at 4:00 AM

((((Lily))))
Dear one, I am and a lot of us are here with you.

Lily, it will take some time to build up your follower base along with your 'hit' count. I can certainly understand the anger and frustration. You were invaded. How dare they! And you had to start all over, and be patient!! I know it is not fun at all. But, in time 'the right people' that need to see your words, God will direct them to your blog! Trust me in this! I am amazed at what He has done to mine.

Dear one, yes I saw your picture on that LGLPCI video, along with a few other bloggy buddies I recognized.

I am so very proud that your voice is being heard also!

Remember, as I am trying to do also, you have a lot of people that do care about you and love you, I being one!

Blessings and hugs...

Finally Free said...
January 23, 2010 at 7:43 AM

Lily,
I used to feel that way about my blog, too. Like, is anyone out there?

Blessings,
Tammy

Marj aka Thriver said...
January 24, 2010 at 2:04 PM

I saw your photo there, too. I'm so sorry you feel trapped by this situation. No fair! But, I just followed you (hope that's okay) and I know things will get better. I'm just glad you're safe.

imaginenamaste said...
January 24, 2010 at 5:56 PM

Don't be sorry that some stupid creeper came in and tried to take away something so amazing to you. People will find one, one by one, you have touched so many :)

Don't apologize to yourself. Curse at the person who tried to take away your voice in your safe place.

Rhonda said...
January 25, 2010 at 9:08 AM

Just remember that not everyone is ready themselves to jump right in and speak up from their pain. I am sure there are so many that have read your postings and are just waiting for that moment of strength within them to tell you what an impact you have had on them to finally break their silence.

Please do not be discouraged sweety. I know it is horrible that we have to hide alot about ourselves because of those who have hurt us in the past and for some reason, seem to continue to shadow over us and control our lives. Whether they are a part of it our not.

Everything will come together. All in His timing.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

sarah said...
January 26, 2010 at 5:36 PM

I'm sorry that happened....I've always been afraid too of being found by the man who raped me but I'm glad it hasn't silenced you. Sarah

HeartfeltHeartLook said...
January 27, 2010 at 3:59 PM

We've all heard when God shuts one door He opens another. Don't worry He knows what He is doing. Those who need you will find you when they need you. Their angels will guide them. Still praying for you!!!

Patricia Singleton said...
January 28, 2010 at 10:20 AM

The statistics aren't always accurate. Sometimes a problem happens at Feedburner and I will lose the majority of my subcribers for that day. It sounds like that is what happened to your stats. In a day or two, they will be back up to normal.

The way that I feel about my blog is that the people who are meant to find it will find it. I have been blogging since June 2007 and have built my subscription list up to 230-250 each day. Building a subscriber list for our kind of blog is very difficult. When I write a post that is especially difficult to read, I usually lose a subscriber or two but I usually have more new subscribers than those that I lose.