Up and Down

Wow, this week has been certifiably insane. Seriously.

I finally am sitting down now to do some reflection on the challenges that I have faced over the past 7 days and I a tad overwhelmed just thinking about it all. Tuesday night was the absolute worst, throwing me for a huge loop that I wouldn't have even dreamed about. I initially was very upset. I called out to God...

"Why is this happening?! Of all things? Of all people? What is the purpose of this? What am I supposed to learn here because it just seems unfair!"

I sat with my frustration and anger and realized that God was keeping me safe. I could adapt.

I chose to do my homework Wednesday, and although it was easy enough to punch out, the subject material is what scares me. I'm going to have to talk about it; work through it. It's something I have been avoiding for quite some time. Until I work through my fears with A, I won't be able to be in a relationship. My fears are holding me back. I just have never admitted this fear to anyone before.

Thursday was C.R. and this week's focus was on a testimony rather than a lesson. Our min.istry leader was going to be sharing her story again. When I walked into my first C.R. meeting at my current church, her testimony was the focus for that night as well. It was the reason I felt strong enough to stay. Listening to it again, I was surprised at how I reacted to it. The main thing that I focused on and connected to the first time was the fact that she was sexually abused too. It made me feel validated even though our stories are so different. Thursday night was harder. I have been struggling big time with minimizing my abuse, so when I sat there listening to the repeated horrors of her life, there was this little voice in the back of my head telling me I shouldn't be so upset about mine, or that mine didn't count. Sharp contrast from 7 months ago. I talked a little bit about that during our small group time, as well as my relapse with cutting. Every week I am with these amazing women that are going through such life-altering journies and I can see their pain. Right now I don't feel the same pain that I used to, and it's causing me to convince (brainwash?) myself that I made it up. It's frustrating.

I spent most of Sunday in a bubble of anxiety because I had my annual appointment with my OBGYN today. Last year was a catastrophe. I disclosed to her my abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. and proceeded to have multiple panic attacks during my exam. I was so afraid that was going to happen again. Logic wasn't really working for me.

When I decided to cut last weekend, it was for a couple of reasons. One because I was so out of control emotionally and just WANTED to, and two because I knew this appointment was coming up. I was having such a hard time even convincing myself that my abuse really affects me, let alone other people. I wanted proof. Proof that it is still affecting me. Proof that someone else could see. The cutting proves that. So Sunday night I took a peek at my cuts and decided they weren't BOLD enough. I fixed that.

*sigh*

What am I going to tell A? I promised her I wouldn't. I did it for a stupidly crazy reason that I am ashamed to write about, let alone disclose to her.

And I still feel the same way I did before. I'm sure she saw them, but what did she think?? Crazy dog attack or purposeful self harm? Recognition of a hard journey or the thought that maybe it wasn't that bad after all? I have a feeling if I can't get myself out of this unhealthy mindset I am in, I'll be trying to figure it out again when I have to go back next month.