Believe in Yourself

My week has been pretty unstable. I had a very rough session Tuesday that involved a lot of acknowledgement of pain and suffering that I have never really come face to face with. My shift in thinking has gone from the physical act of the abuse to the emotional impact it has had. She (A) compared it to the shift in perspective from child to adult. I am finally understanding how I wished my parents had reacted to my abuse, and how I would react if this were to happen to someone I loved, and it is making me feel this pain I never realized I had. That's the shift in pain that I've talked about lately.

My homework was to write a response to the blog entry I had her read the previous week; my January 1st entry. It was hard for me to sit down and write it because that "new" pain was so fresh. I didn't react well to it and ended up getting so overwhelmed that I cut for the first time in almost 3 months. I could have stopped myself, but I just didn't want to. I needed that physical release.

So because this was so heavy for me to write, I knew it was all the more important for me to read. Not have her read, but for me to speak the words. Of course doing that generally sparks a huge onset of panic, and this time was no different. I struggled with even starting. I sat there for probably 10 minutes before I just looked A and told her I didn't think I could read it. Slowly leading me in, she had me just read the first sentence. Then the second. Before long I read the whole thing heaving and crying like a fool, letting the panic of the situation completely take over me.

We didn't really talk about my reading specifically, but more of what it represented and the messages it conveyed to her. Again, when I am in panic mode I don't form good memories. What we discussed directly after that is a fog. Once I was able to calm down, I can remember more clearly. I talked to her about how I was afraid of approaching something that is causing me this new feeling of pain, because of how overwhelmed and out of control it made me feel. I did not disclose to her that I cut over the weekend... I was too ashamed. I tried to lead her into asking me about it, but it wasn't until I specifically said that I was afraid of approaching anything else this week through homework or on my own because I was afraid that I was going to do what I did to cope with those feelings again... she finally was able to arrive where I was hoping she would without me having to say it. Cutting is such a shameful thing for me. I don't like admitting that I do it. I always feel like I'm letting her down when I can't find another way to release.

One of her first responses is to ask me if I can make a commitment not to cut until our next meeting (where she will ask me again!). Having just been through a panic attack, asking me to give up the one thing that makes me feel better was just going to make it worse, so I immediately put my eyes to the floor and waited for that question. Sure enough, there it was and I could feel that surge of panic. I told her no, that I couldn't commit to it. She told me to look at her. She asked me again. Will you make the commitment? No again.

I have never been that hesitant with agreeing. I have always (reluctantly) agreed that I would not cut for the rest of the week until I saw her again. She knows how guilty I feel when I do fall back on it. She asked me to look up at her again. I know you are strong enough to commit to doing this. I know how guilty you feel because of this. You have always done it before and I know you can do it again.

I think I can. I think I will.

7 comments:

Just Be Real said...
January 15, 2010 at 4:09 AM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Finally Free said...
January 15, 2010 at 7:25 AM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Harriet said...
January 15, 2010 at 1:13 PM

You are very brave to read out loud. I understand about the cutting, I have been fighting the urge for a week or so and it's difficult. I'm sure you'll be able to get through the week though - you are strong!

Rhonda said...
January 15, 2010 at 3:40 PM
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Marj aka Thriver said...
January 16, 2010 at 2:43 PM

Looks like there's been a lot going on lately, between your blog issues and your therapy/recovery/abuse issues. But, I do believe there is always more healing when we attend to it rather than blowing it off. Kudos to you, my friend, for tackling it head on while you are still so young. I wish I had gotten an earlier start to it myself. Thinking of you. ((((((((safe hugs))))))

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