A "New" Hurt

My session on Tuesday went well. Most of the time was spent going over the characteristics of a healthy relationship that I desire most as well as things that I think I can offer in a relationship. Both presented a challenge for me when compiling these lists, as I don't ever think that my presence in someone's life is something beneficial or desired. As it pertained to what I want in a relationship, that presented its own challenges; one because I haven't ever had a long-term relationship and two because the models that I have been surrounded with my whole life are very unhealthy. I was able to think about what I didn't want and in turn form basic ideas of what I do want.

I couldn't believe I could talk so openly with A about these things. In the past if anything remotely connecting to dating was brought up, I would turn into this scared, meek girl who was afraid to think about, let alone talk about the questions posed. It was strangely empowering. Even A noticed and commented on how confident I seemed and how different that was to how my reactions used to be. I definitely agreed, but made sure to let her know that while I do feel a lot more confident, I am still very fearful. I am still very anxious.

We still had some time left over after these topics, and I toyed with the idea of talking about what I blogged about last time. It continued to affect me throughout the weekend and was something I knew I needed to talk about eventually, whether or not it was right then or in the near future. Even still, I couldn't actually verbalize what was bothering me. I couldn't SAY the words that I was able to type. So instead, I told A that I had blogged about it and that I'd like her to read it since I couldn't muster up the courage to say it.

I copied and pasted it into a word document for her and she sat down at her desk and read it, while I could feel myself retreat to someplace else. I felt scared about revealing these thoughts. The all too familiar feeling of shame just washed over me. It's very hard for me to process when this happens. I am reduced to one word answers and almost no emotion. I can't focus on anything but the fear. It's often very hard for me to remember what exactly was discussed when I feel this way. I know she said she saw two things that stood out to her in my post. One that there was an acknowledgement of healing on my part, with the recognition of the fact that the pain is diminishing and getting easier to handle. The other thing had to do with the paragraphs I wrote about trying to figure out why my abuse was any different than the anonymous poster's. She identified this as something that was detrimental to my healing, along the same lines as false guilt... but for the life of me I cannot remember what she said. The fear had already taken over.

I keep revisiting it in hopes to conjure up some sort of new information, but so far I'm coming up blank.


Finally Free said...
January 6, 2010 at 10:39 PM
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Just Be Real said...
January 7, 2010 at 4:01 AM
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Shattered said...
January 7, 2010 at 9:34 AM

Oh dear, I know the comment you are talking about... When I read it, I paused as well. It didn't hurt me like it did you but it did bother me because abuse is abuse no matter if it was once or a lifetime full. I am very sorry that you had to read that comment.

You are NO different and your hurt is NO different. I will also say that I have gotten to know the person who wrote that comment and whether she admits it or not, what happened to her most certainly does affect her. Some people just don't admit their struggles.

You are doing great putting all of this into words. I like the idea of commenting on your own blog. I totally get the part about actually believing it though...

Take care!

Harriet said...
January 7, 2010 at 6:49 PM

Good job in making progress in the relationship area, have you and your therapist been working on this a long time?

I know how you feel when your therapist is reading something you wrote while you are sitting there. Cringe!!!! Everything you said about having no emotion, only feeling the fear, not being able to focus, not being able to remember what was said - that has all happened to me. It's so weird to me, because I don't think I zone out in normal life. Then I feel badly that my therapist said so many great things and I can't remember any of them.

Interesting homework assignment too, I can't wait to hear about your next session.

sarah said...
January 7, 2010 at 7:31 PM
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imaginenamaste said...
January 9, 2010 at 12:44 AM

I'm so happy for you that you shared something difficult--even if it was hard and draining.

I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom, but thinking about you!

Lisa Marie said...
January 10, 2010 at 12:19 AM
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