Looking Into My Eyes

I've felt so silenced lately. It was a stark contrast to how I have felt since I started counseling and started this blog. It has really wreaked havoc on my emotions.

I was terrified of Tuesday. I knew that reading what I wrote was going to be really hard. Normally I can gauge just how bad it is going to be by how hard it was for me to write it. Sometimes that is misleading because I can dissociate from the writing then be hit hard when reading. Not this time. I cried when I put those words on paper. But there was a strange sense of desire to read what I wrote this week. I have felt silenced. Even though it was going to be hard, I wanted to read it. I wanted to not hide. I wanted to be heard.

I got to the third paragraph and had to stop. I wrote about something I've never admitted to anyone. My dad is an alcoholic. He has been since I was born. He still is today. I never really thought about it all that much until I started writing this letter to myself; myself as a child. As an adult it doesn't affect me that much, but when I thought of myself as a child, it hurt. It surprised me just how much it hurt.

A talked me back down out of the panic and I was able to pull together the strength to keep going. I did fine until I got to acknowledging my abuse to myself. To me; the child. Looking into my own eyes and saying I'm sorry. Saying the very words that no one ever told me or admitting I deserved the things no one gave me.

Looking into my own eyes and realizing just how much I wanted my mom to be there for me and let me know it wasn't my fault, that she was sorry, that I didn't deserve it. To hold me in her arms. To cry with me. To be mad. To do ANYTHING.

Lots of pain in those eyes. Lots of pain to try and deal with at once. Lots of pain I never let myself think about.


Anonymous said...
January 27, 2010 at 10:31 PM

It is so interesting reading your post....
We are both dealing with pain right now.
My Dad was an alcoholic, too. He still drinks,too.
I remember the pain, though. My little girl was so sad.
You are so brave. I will tell you that it is worth it....to look her in the eyes.
Blessings and Hugs to you,

Madison said...
January 28, 2010 at 5:32 AM

Be blessed on your journey to be free. Lots of alcoholics in my family tree. It's a dreadful disease.

Being Me said...
January 28, 2010 at 8:55 AM

Praying for your strength Lily, keep at it, I've recently become aware that any kind of release whether it's on paper, on the web, aloud to a friend, - it helps ease the anxiety but most of all by facing it.. you can bear it/ deal with it better.


Patricia Singleton said...
January 28, 2010 at 10:06 AM

Lily, you are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. So am I. Unless you have been in therapy or gone to 12-Step groups like ACA or Al-Anon or Codependants Anonymous, it probably does still affect you. If it wasn't still an issue, the pain from the inner child would be gone.

There is a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet W. (I don't remember how to spell Janet's last name.) It gives you the characteristics of Adult Children.

It was the number one book that started me on the road to recovery because it opened the door for me to talk about my incest issues for the first time in a group of people who were accepting of who I was. Before reading this book, I also thought that I had no problems with my father's alcoholism and that it had no effect on me since I wasn't living with him any more. I was very wrong. I was living in denial. The alcoholism affected every single decision that I ever made in my life. It affected every relationship that I had ever had. I affected my self-worth and how I saw myself.

Today I blog about alcoholism and incest. I saw your comments on Colleen's blog. Getting in touch with your feelings can be painful to the extreme sometimes and going through the pain is how we heal.

Rhonda said...
January 28, 2010 at 12:59 PM

Lily, I am so sorry to hear that you have yet another obstacle to face. It's always difficult to look at ourselves in the mirror. Paula has always told me to try and look at myself in the mirror so that I can truly see and deal with my pain. It's always a hard task, but it truly does help. One day, this chapter will be behind you and it will be worth all your heart ache sweet one. Hugs!

Harriet said...
January 28, 2010 at 7:48 PM

I'm so sorry. About your dad, and your mom not giving you what you needed. {{{{hugs}}}}

Grace said...
January 28, 2010 at 8:06 PM

I am also a CSA survivor. My mother and stepfather were both alcoholics. I read your pain and my heart aches for "all" of us at your words, "Looking into my own eyes and realizing just how much I wanted my mom to be there for me and let me know it wasn't my fault, that she was sorry, that I didn't deserve it. To hold me in her arms. To cry with me. To be mad. To do ANYTHING."
SO many layers to peel away...slowly...on this journey.
Sending you strength ~ Grace

Just Be Real said...
January 30, 2010 at 10:51 AM

Dear one, thank you for sharing! I too can relate, as both my parents and my siblings were/are alcholics. I am so very sorry for the lack of attention given to you by both your parents. ((((Lily))))