Feeling Safe

My mind has been focused a lot on my desire for a relationship. It is really the one thing in my life that I have not been able to push through and figure out on my own.

I struggle with other's expectations. My parents, my friends, my co-workers. Sometimes those are verbalized, most of the time it is my perception of what they think of me and why I am single. I have never had a boyfriend. I've dated, but never let myself get past the surface stuff and really get to know that person. At least, that was my M.O. before I started the journey of confronting my abuse about 2 years ago.

At the very beginning of my journey, I found myself messing around with a good friend of mine. We were both drunk and I finally let my guard down enough to let someone kiss me. Yes, I was 24 and had never been kissed. Take that Drew Barrymore, I think I beat you! ;)

Finally! I was normal! I really liked this guy, so I couldn't believe what was happening! The alcohol served its purpose to keep me in the moment for a short while. But no amount of alcohol could keep my past from screaming into my thoughts. I stopped him. Gave some cryptic reason why I couldn't keep going. He was so sweet. Asked if I wanted to talk about it, and of course I said no. We just laid in my bed in each others arms, exchanged a few more kisses, then he left in the wee hours of the morning. I hated myself for speaking up. Why did I say anything? Who's to say it would have gone past just making out? Why? WHY DID I SAY ANYTHING?!

Things got weird after that. Awkward. Not really sure what to say. Finally I got up the nerve to send him an e-mail asking him what he thought about what happened and what he wanted to do about it. I was crushed when I got the "let's just be friends" response. I didn't see him nearly as often as I used to after that. I think it was the fact that he knew I wanted something more than what he did. Eventually things got back to normal, stopped being awkward and we were able to go back to being friends.

But every time I see him my heart aches a little. He makes me feel safe. He is one of the only male friends I have had that I truly trust. He is someone I can see myself marrying. He is such a good guy. I saw him Friday at the hospital when he came to visit my best friend. They were neighbors and friends since elementary school. I met him through my BF. Just sitting there, chatting, laughing like old times made me want so bad what I don't ever think I'll get. Him.

But even in the midst of realizing I may never get the relationship I want, it gives me hope. Every time I think of entering into a relationship with no certain person in mind, it freaks me out. Without a person to visualize, I can't imagine feeling the trust, love, or safety. But when I think of him in that position, suddenly a relationship doesn't seem so hard. So impossible.

I just hope I can find someone else who makes me feel that way.

10 comments:

Harriet said...
March 14, 2010 at 8:57 PM

I think you will. You are such a special person and you deserve a loving caring person to spend the rest of your life with. It takes time to find the right person, but when it happens it's wonderful

Finally Free said...
March 14, 2010 at 9:05 PM

Lily,
Just here listening.... thanks for sharing.

Blessings,
Tammy

Grace said...
March 14, 2010 at 9:10 PM

Lily, I believe you will find the right person. Someone who respects you and cares for ALL of you...
((LILY))
~ Grace

Bernie said...
March 15, 2010 at 1:11 AM

When you are ready he will arrive in your life......your heart will be open too him and not just to the wanting of a relationship. Lily you are doing so well, everything you want will manifest itself to you in a good and wholesome way......:-) Hugs

Paula said...
March 15, 2010 at 5:31 AM

LIly, just having completed intense trauma therapy I had spent many hours on this topic. I learned (and I didnt like a bit)that a relation ( any kind of) requires that I trust myself, feel safe with myself and like myself. The frist and formeost relation has to be with or I woant be able to knwo what I want, what I care for and what I can give into a relation. That has changed my prception over the months. Focusing more on the relation with myself first. "To know and to love yourself is the begin of a lifeling relation"(Oascar Wilde) Having this relation it give me safety within myself, Maybe I still will seek teh same qualities in a partner then before, maybe not. From my simple point you seek in him what you are looking for. Not him, but the qualities. That are my 2 cents and I hope my straight forwardness wasnt offending. BTW, for myself, I work more on myself, had a long talk with my partner, putting our relation on hold and get myself together. I wish you the best. Love from my heart to yours.

mile191 said...
March 15, 2010 at 2:45 PM

blessing, wishes, and hopes for your dream come true.

thanks for being there with me on my journey. mile

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...
March 15, 2010 at 3:55 PM

Lily, you know I do not have to tell you that I understand and get what you are saying. As we have somewhat similar experiences. I understand your pain and struggles. ((((Lily))))

sarah said...
March 15, 2010 at 6:29 PM

I believe in you. I really do...I think you're taking steps towards your dreams. I'm believeing for all that you desire to come to you....Sarah

imaginenamaste said...
March 15, 2010 at 9:14 PM

Oh my gosh, as much as I hate to admit this...my first kiss was right around the same age as yours.....and I was in a sorority. People seem to be shocked by the fact I didn't sleep around like many girls in sororities and that I didn't go kiss everyone around town. My first real kiss was right around the same time.
If he makes you feel safe--go for it. Someone told the that the relationship that made me feel the best and scared me the most was the best!

Rhonda said...
March 16, 2010 at 2:21 PM

Relationships are so hard for those of us who have a background of abuse. It's so hard for me to just build up the slightest bit of trust.

I've always told my daughter that God has the special guy set aside just for her. The same goes for you. After two failed marriages myself, I believe that God has finally placed me in the right one.

You will find your perfect Prince Charming sweety. And how beautiful it will finally be for you!

Hugs!!!