The Trouble With Therapy Is...

Thankfully I'm back to work this week. (Yes, I really did just write that) I'm finding that the schedule is something that benefits me more than just having time to wander around with no plans. The aloneness and silence can be a detriment.

I've been functioning with a higher anxiety level lately, waking up a few times in the past week in full blown panic attacks, for no apparent reason. They weren't flashbacks or nightmares, just random occurrences of panic. It's rather unsettling, but there really isn't much I can do about it. I have a feeling that the surgery is a big part of it.

As I've gotten back on my normal schedule, I've been thinking a bit about how much therapy drives my life.

I think about therapy a lot. My week starts off with "OK, I can get through Monday because I get to see A tomorrow. One day. I can make it if it gets bad." Then, "Whew, it's Tuesday. No anxiety today because I have therapy after work." Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are generally tough days because I see them as only obstacles, not something that can be enjoyable. Things tend to affect me more, cause higher anxiety, and trigger me easier if they fall on these days. I feel trapped and alone. Generally Saturday and Sunday's are OK because it is the weekend, which means Monday is close.

My weeks work on this cycle. EVERY week.

I never get to enjoy my time because I am constantly wishing away the days for the next Tuesday to arrive. I can't wait for that hour. I finally have found someone that I feel safe talking to these hidden, dark, scary things with and I hate that I only have an hour to do this, and then have to wait so long to get a chance again.

I often wonder if that is normal. Am I the only one?


Bernie said...
March 24, 2010 at 10:12 PM

You are absolutely normal Lily. I do hope those panic attacks leave, they sound horrible. I am not a medical person and my heart aches for you, all I want to say is that please don't wish your time away, life goes by too fast as it is. I do hope you will come to a place where you can fill each day with love, joy and laughter. You totally deserve days like this. Be well my friend....:-) Hugs

Anonymous said...
March 25, 2010 at 12:24 AM

You are, of course, normal! Often, thinking about when I have therapy next (like, "you have therapy in 2 days, think about how to get to then" or "you just had therapy, think about what you said) and how it keeps me going, even if it makes me anxious at the same time!

Paula said...
March 25, 2010 at 2:57 AM

Dear Lily, mankind invented time. Cut this unknown in days, minutes, hours, seconds...still we experience time emotionally. Certain times just fly by and others seem to drag on. During my recent Intense Trauma Therapy I wanted to switch my main therapist. It took me 3 weeks for another main therapist would be avilable for me. During this time I kept all inside me, counting days. Day before I started with new t I experienced my first and gratefully my only panic attack. When I met my new t everything just came out. Blurred out, confused, haspeling, screaming, crying. I experienced exactly what you did. I finally dared opening completely, allowed to break down and being hold and understood. I started counting the hours between the sessions and I had 5 sessions a week with my new t. She told me the time is "fixed"; independently if it drags on or time flies by. However the time between the sessions wouldnt drag on that much if I fill it with more actions, go out, paint, do my QiGong, read and join in group activities. First I thought I abandon my desire, my deepest wish to get to my t again. After a few days it got better. Time started moving and passed faster and even many of the activities helped me to process what was spoken during the sessions; upcoming feelings and pain was better dealt with. I tried to share my experience. Not sure if this lengthy explanation of mine if of any assistance to you.

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...
March 25, 2010 at 3:17 AM

Lily, I am so very sorry for your panic attacks. Especially being waken by them, I am sure is not fun!!

Lily, you are oh so very normal. I have been able to relate to what you have mentioned about the week cycle and looking forward to therapy to arrive again.

As we go through our journey, people like us who never could share our pain in the past and deal with it properly up until now, have so much desire now to, since we found a safe haven in our t. sessions, it is perfectly normal to look forward and be anxious for t. to start again in a week.

You are okay dear. ((((Lily))))

Mary said...
March 25, 2010 at 7:04 AM

I understand waiting for Tuesdays. To be able to talk out those hidden, dark, scary things - but sweetie you have a counselor with you every minute of the day. You can pour out those things to the one who knows about them all already. I know you know this, and not being able to actually see and verbally hear him makes it hard to remember, but he is very real and very near non the less.

Congrats on the new job!!!

Lily, may God's peace be with you today, may your heart find rest.


Catherine said...
March 25, 2010 at 11:19 AM

Lily, you are certainly not the only one. I feel this way a lot. It always seems to me like something bad happens on the day after I go to therapy and I have to wait a whole week to see my T again. I think it is great that we can rely on our therapists for so much support although it is scary when we have to wait to see them again. Have you ever thought about trying to schedule two sessions a week?

Love, Catherine

Rhonda said...
March 25, 2010 at 12:45 PM

I am so sorry you are suffering with panic attacks. They are a familiar part of my life as well.

Do you have any small hobbies outside of work that may help you focus on something else besides work, therapy, and when your next session will be? Not sure if there may be a good book you can pic up, if you do any arts and crafts. Just a few suggestions that may help you substitute the anxious of it all.

Glad to hear you are excited about being back to work.

Anonymous said...
March 25, 2010 at 3:27 PM

Just got to work on progress, not perfection, and be proud of your achievements in that regard. It won't all come at once, but we can absolutely make progress in more highly valuing the present. For me, it helps to try to remind myself of the things that I'm grateful for. Have a good one!

Harriet said...
March 25, 2010 at 7:45 PM

I think about therapy a lot, but I don't look forward to it. It just seems like 45 minutes a week isn't enough to solve all of my problems. It's frustrating.

And I used to wake up with panic attacks all the time. I started to take klonopin before bed and it really helped, but then I had a lot of trouble going off of it. So I don't recommend that unless you are desperate.

The Beehive said...
March 25, 2010 at 8:09 PM

You are definitely not alone! I also count down the days (and sometimes hours) until my Tuesday comes so I can go see my therapist and talk about everything with her. I have been trying to find other things to enjoy or get excited about, but right now Tuesdays seem to over power my days too. Thank you for sharing.

sarah said...
March 26, 2010 at 5:54 AM're normal...and I'm really glad you have that one hour...that safe person....maybe at some point if you ask..she can extend the time if you need it...for now...thank God you have her. In your corner. Sarah

Paula said...
March 28, 2010 at 10:53 AM

Passing by to show some love. Hugs to you.

Colleen said...
March 28, 2010 at 3:57 PM

As you can see by these comments, you are normal. Been there. Done that. Hugs.

Mrs. Latte Drinker said...
March 28, 2010 at 9:21 PM

I'm so glad we met in this unique blogging world. I believe I can learn from you in how to better deal with my highly sensitive daughter and self. I feel like I know myself better now that I know what it means to be a highly sensitive person. (((hugs)))

phonemail2125 said...
March 29, 2010 at 8:24 PM

I think this is pretty normal. I remember feeling the same way when I could afford therapy. I miss it. Someone to talk to that couldn't judge you, had to listen, least appeared to care. It was nice. Why wouldn't one look forward to that?