Sometimes I wonder about my future. Well, not sometimes... a lot, actually. I am only in my mid-20's, but I hear the constant tick-tick-tick of my biological clock. There is nothing I want more in the world than to be a mom. But the realization of the work I am going to have to do in order to get there is comparable to a climb of Mt. Everest at times.

I often wonder if I am meant to be married. There are days that it seems so clear and the most natural thing in the world. Of course I'll be married! I'll be happy! It'll be everything I always thought it would be! But the majority of my days are filled with doubt. Am I the type of person who can be in a successful marriage? Is that what I want? What's to keep me from running away once I get what I want? How can someone spend every day with someone else, seemingly for the rest of their lives?

It just floors me that it is possible. I've seen it, my dad's parents (50+ years) and my dad's brother (35+ years), but everyone else in my family has been married multiple times, with at least one very nasty marriage (abuse or neglect). Why should I expect anything less? Given everything that has happened in my life, how in the world am I going to be successful?

It floors me that you can be around someone every day and not be driven absolutely mad by them. I love my alone time. It keeps me sane. The idea of having someone there all the time is kind of a deterrent for me. I don't think that's how it's supposed to be.

But then again, I haven't found anyone who I WANT to spend time with, so of course that changes my outlook on things. Right now I'm trying to put these past guys in the place of the right guy, and it is making me hate the idea of marriage. I don't want them... I want someone who fits in that place. Who makes me want to spend time with them. Who makes me want to commit myself to forever.

I just wonder if I'll ever find that person.


Mrs. Latte Drinker said...
March 28, 2010 at 9:19 PM

Precious Lily ((hugs)) Thank you for your kind words on my post this evening. I believe you will be married and successful because you have the right attitude. If you find a man who is committed to God then he will be committed to you. My first marriage failed because I didn't marry someone of like minded faith. We were unequally yoked. The second time around has been a blessing but not without all the trials that come from being a his, mine and ours family. I'm following you now and was surprised I wasn't already. Nite nite sweet girl.

Anonymous said...
March 28, 2010 at 10:10 PM

I think my mom hears my clock ticking more than I do at my old age of 25 :) Haha, when she and my dad lived in Germany, they brought back a block set for their future grandchild. I remind them PhD-marriage-baby.
I believe you and I will both get married. And, that that perfect person will be here when the time is ready. And, that because we understand true emotions and have lots of life experience, we will be successful.

Grace said...
March 28, 2010 at 10:36 PM

Oh...sweet Lily, I believe you will get married and you will be a mommy! And you will be so healthy because of all the work you've done! It's hard to wait and it's hard to not know. SO much of what we went through was so terrible that we just want stability...I understand that...and you will have that!
You will find that guy...don't settle. He's out there and you'll find each other.

Being Me said...
March 28, 2010 at 11:38 PM

Everything takes time, don't push it, it will happen if and when it is meant to be.

Let God be your guide.


Bernie said...
March 29, 2010 at 12:47 AM

Lily marriage is hard but it is also very beautiful. When you meet the right person, you will know and so will he. Everything will just fall into place after that.
Don't look to far ahead sweetie, one day at a time......:-) Hugs

Paula said...
March 29, 2010 at 3:14 AM

Sweet Lily, I went through marriage and quite a few insane relations. Not all of what happened was the men fault. They were as dysfunctional as I was on that stage. Now I am in love with an American and I am 50! No, I wont be Mommy anymore but that is ok. He is having his own problems. After 6 years of trial and tribulations, we had a year apart to look at ourselves and now we will heal together. He id doing his part for himself, I do mine, and together we work on US. Many things which I thought not possible asre possible now. WE are open about our need for space and it is alwas received favorably on both sides. THis year still is dedicated to to each of us and slowly approaching a more healthy "WE". Nothing of that I ever thought possible. It is possible for me. With lots of ups and downs, even more chuckle and laughters. We have grown so much.
it can be done and the more you grow healthy they more you will attracted a different kind of men. Love to you

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...
March 29, 2010 at 8:11 AM

Dear one you can be the one in your family to break the generational curse. You do not have to have multiple marriages with abuse.

Keep praying specifically for what you want in a husband. When I mean specifics I mean specifics, Godly man, hair color, place to live, etc. ((((Lily))))

Anonymous said...
March 29, 2010 at 10:22 AM

Just keep doing what you're doing. I suspect someone you think is pretty special will come along. Remember--you are special and you are cared for!

mile191 said...
March 29, 2010 at 11:49 AM

Sweet Lily,

this is so beautiful expressed and my heart aches for your desires. I hope that you will have all you ever want, the laughter, the light, hope, peace and LIFE!!! thank you for being there for me. Bless you friend.

mile 191

Catherine said...
March 29, 2010 at 12:36 PM

Lily, I got married really young so I don't know much about the loneliness that comes with being single, but wanted to let you know that I am here listening.

Harriet said...
March 31, 2010 at 4:56 PM

I've been married 21 years. My husband and I aren't together all the time, actually we aren't together that much. It's the kids that you can't get away from. It took me a long time to get used to that, and then they become teenagers and don't want to spend any time with you anymore. The whole thing is screwy.