Changing My Focus

Spring is a busy time for me, which is why it makes going to counseling even harder. I'm stressed, I'm tired and I'm emotional. Not a good combination for calm sessions. I find myself more hysterical and unleashed during this time and the more I try to fight it the more stressed I get. Such a vicious cycle.

Something happened this weekend that took my focus off my work with cutting and onto something else. Ever since I opened my mouth in session about this, it has been something I have regretted. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear how it is hurting me, I don't want to change anything. I'm done with it. I wanted to tell A that at the beginning of my session Tuesday, but because I had homework on it I figured we could go over that then I could start venturing away from it. Hah. Best laid plans, right?

Everything we talk about I can understand and agree with whole-heartedly with my logical mind. But I am not ready to do anything about it. It's like trying to convince an alcoholic to quit drinking because you want him to, not because he is ready to. It's just not going to work. And I'm getting (internally) pissed that we are still talking about this. She is not pushing me, she just wants to help. I am holding in my anger and stewing about it. Not good. So I told her at the end of my session that I am done talking about this. I don't want to do it anymore. Of course, she said she would respect my boundaries but made sure to let me know that she is concerned with how not talking about it is going to keep me stuck in that area of my life. How it is going to be harder to grow in other areas if you are so stuck in one. While I understand that, I do not care. I have been able to do EVERYTHING I have done so far without even touching the cutting. She didn't even know about it until last summer. It can be done.

I think she's starting to understand how "done" I am with this topic, because she told me that if I was going to make this decision, she would like me to put together a game plan for what our focus needs to be next. As much as I hate doing this, that is, prioritizing things in my life that I feel I need to work on, I am going to do it. That is how much I do not want to continue down the SI path.

JBR's recent post has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. I could have written it myself. Her thoughts on how sexual abuse has skewed her perception of marriage are exactly the same as mine. I know I need to work through my fears there... but I am TERRIFIED to admit it to A. The shame that even comes with saying the word sex pours over me as I sit here in my office alone. I can't even imagine how much I will shut down in A's. It keeps me from seeking out male relationships. But I am finding myself wanting it SO much lately. I'm so torn. I hate it.

The event that happened this weekend threw me for a loop. It sent me back to viewing my abuser in the eyes of exactly that, an abuser. Not my dad's friend. Not a guy I knew. But my abuser. I haven't been able to feel any anger towards him, but I was pushed a little closer to that this weekend. I can't talk to anyone (except A) about it because it involves confidentiality at church. My friends that I would normally talk to about it are now off limits because of that. I hate that, too. Ugh. :(


Bernie said...
March 4, 2010 at 7:17 PM

Oh this is a tough one. You are dealing with it in a fashion by talking about it on your blog but we are not qualified to give you the proper advice on how to deal with this huge issue.....I know it is hard to trust someone after all you have been through but if you can muddle through enough to trust anyone I pray that it will be your therapist. Good luck and I will be praying for you.......:-) Hugs

Just Be Real said...
March 4, 2010 at 10:00 PM

Dear Lily, in reading your posts, you have touched my heart and I understand your struggles.

If it would help you in any way, go ahead and print out the post I did on being sexually abused and the effects it had on me, and maybe bring it to your next session and show A. It may be easier for you to discuss the topic this way in relating to someone else. Just a thought. Pray about it. See what direction God is leads you.


Grace said...
March 5, 2010 at 6:55 PM

((LILY))I hear you took me over 3 years before I could mention the word sex in front of the therapist.
You are in my thoughts....
~ Grace

Anonymous said...
March 5, 2010 at 10:59 PM

Thinking about you--those are hard topics to talk about....

sarah said...
March 6, 2010 at 8:27 AM

I can so relate...being raped really messed my head up around issues with intimacy and sex...I still hate to be touched if I am not expecting it...Somehow it helps when I have some controls around it...Stay strong ok

Tom Q said...
March 7, 2010 at 2:29 PM

hi Lily, I know the difficulties that relate to both SI abuse. But from your writing, and the advise you give to others it appears that your IQ is high and your well able to comparmentalise your brain so that your able to speak about things, while still keeping your emotions in check.. Well at least in public or in counselling. The other times when the emotions take over, or you left feeling dead inside the SI sometimes helps to bring you back although it results in its own sense of guilt thereafter. Working with A and getting the best results mean you have to suffer the pain, the emotional trauma over again, but look back on it from a more informed viewpoint and insight. Dont be afraid of breaking down in a counselling session, let it out its the most safe place to do it. On the other matter you refer to, the need for secrecy because of 'religion'.. Guess for some similar reasons i have gotten to run a mile from religion, its rules, the power involved and the people that are prepared to abuse that power and use religion to hide behind.
Dont know what else to say just 'safe hugs' and dont let fear of emotional excess keep you from working towards your freedom. As for the SI I know how addictive it can become, but also know it can be overcome. Good luck

Colleen said...
March 8, 2010 at 8:59 AM

I was scared of marriage for a long time. Then I met my husband. He was different than other men I had met. He didn't demand anything from me. He just wanted me to love him. It took years, even after we were married, to trust him totally. Now he is my best friend. As for the issue of sex, I have struggled with that all our married life. BUT he is always understanding and always puts my feelings first. Like sarah said, it helps to have control of it somehow.