Today Was Awful

Got my sign-up time mixed up and showed up 45 minutes late to my interview.

Consultation with the surgeon. Will have to have surgery to remove my gallbladder.

Tried to hide the scars during the exam, but she saw them. Then proceeded to ask about the PTSD.

I completely shut down. I don't know how I kept from crying. I asked (begged?) her not to make me tell her why. I felt the panic wash over me and take me some place else.

I left feeling this big.

I hate being so powered by this shame.

Session tonight should be a train wreck. Perfect way to end this perfect *#&(*!@ day.


Catherine said...
March 16, 2010 at 7:44 PM

Lily, I am so sorry today turned out so horribly. Sending loving thoughts your way.

Love, Catherine

Harriet said...
March 16, 2010 at 10:33 PM

Oh crap, I'm sorry. Well, that's the good thing about days - they only last 24 hours and then you get another one.

therapydoc said...
March 17, 2010 at 6:27 AM

Yikes, keep us informed. You have to feel the power of being able to make "this big" into a littler font.

Thanks for your condolences. I really appreciate that you bothered to comment. I wish I had more time to do it, maybe I will this year.

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...
March 17, 2010 at 7:18 AM

Lily, I am so very sorry for what has transpired for you ((((Lily))))

Anonymous said...
March 17, 2010 at 7:49 AM

Oh Lily,
Just here listening and giving you a hug.....(((LilY)).


Mary said...
March 17, 2010 at 8:04 AM

I hope last nights session was helpful, and today is better.


Rhonda said...
March 17, 2010 at 9:56 AM

Sweety, you need to allow yourself to feel more positive about yourself. Stand up and be confident that the next hour of your life will be better. Try to focus on that, even if it may turn out to be a train wreck, at least you are gaining strength in HOPE. You have come so far and you are growing in many ways. I know you can do this. The hardest thing I've faced is learning to love myself. I am not there by far, not sure I ever will be. But we must try. That is the only way we can DEFEAT the demons in our closet.

I pray today is better for you. I'll be thinking of you sweet friend.

Paula said...
March 17, 2010 at 11:28 AM

Lily, I hear you, I am in your corner. Yeah, such days can make one feel so very small. next day is a blank page again which we can fill according to our liking. Shame can be so devastating. Lily, this too shall pass. For mayn years I thought I never will ocvercome shame, I never will live a different life. it will subside, it will grow less. As long as you work on it, I promise it will grow less. My _?=)(& days are grwoing less. The time will come wher your shitty days grow less too. Love you till you can lvoe yourself. Hugs from this side of the pond

Deborah Ann said...
March 17, 2010 at 11:45 AM

There is NOW no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!

I have no idea what those scars were, but Jesus is more than able to heal them, and your heart as well....

Lily said...
March 17, 2010 at 12:54 PM

Thank you so much, everyone. Last night was the culmination of many different stressors and emotions that got pulled into two events. It was overwhelming and I lapsed back into the harmful way of dealing with them.

Today has been better so far. God, the Bible and I are having a sit down tonight.

sarah said...
March 17, 2010 at 7:21 PM

Hey Lily...I'm here with you too...praying...wanting you to feel ok...wanting you to know I understand the shame...feeling really small...the thing is...He and us are in your corner...rooting for you and I know one'll rise above all this...I was listening to Maya Angelou on Youtube...Still I Rise. Powerful. And still you will rise time and time again until you feel secure enough to walk free. Always here; in your corner. Sarah

Surprised By Joy! said...
March 17, 2010 at 10:14 PM

Sometimes that happens....glad to hear God is helping you. I call it falling into the pit. Sometimes we fall in and we need help getting out. It happens to me sometimes, too. :)


Anonymous said...
March 18, 2010 at 12:17 AM

Oh....what a day! I hope that you can get your interview rescheduled, those things happen--people understand, especially with teaching when your calm day is a busy day for people outside of education.
I hope that your surgery goes well.
Those scares on your body, do not be ashamed of them. Yes, they are there. You can see them. But, you are SO MUCH MORE than those. And, you have worked so so so so hard to help yourself.


Paula said...
March 18, 2010 at 4:42 AM

Passing by to show some love. be kind and gentle with yourself. When we are feeling ok it is easy to be kind to ourselves, however when we feel miserable the need to be kind to us is even bigger. Safe hug