A "New" Hurt

My session on Tuesday went well. Most of the time was spent going over the characteristics of a healthy relationship that I desire most as well as things that I think I can offer in a relationship. Both presented a challenge for me when compiling these lists, as I don't ever think that my presence in someone's life is something beneficial or desired. As it pertained to what I want in a relationship, that presented its own challenges; one because I haven't ever had a long-term relationship and two because the models that I have been surrounded with my whole life are very unhealthy. I was able to think about what I didn't want and in turn form basic ideas of what I do want.

I couldn't believe I could talk so openly with A about these things. In the past if anything remotely connecting to dating was brought up, I would turn into this scared, meek girl who was afraid to think about, let alone talk about the questions posed. It was strangely empowering. Even A noticed and commented on how confident I seemed and how different that was to how my reactions used to be. I definitely agreed, but made sure to let her know that while I do feel a lot more confident, I am still very fearful. I am still very anxious.

We still had some time left over after these topics, and I toyed with the idea of talking about what I blogged about last time. It continued to affect me throughout the weekend and was something I knew I needed to talk about eventually, whether or not it was right then or in the near future. Even still, I couldn't actually verbalize what was bothering me. I couldn't SAY the words that I was able to type. So instead, I told A that I had blogged about it and that I'd like her to read it since I couldn't muster up the courage to say it.

I copied and pasted it into a word document for her and she sat down at her desk and read it, while I could feel myself retreat to someplace else. I felt scared about revealing these thoughts. The all too familiar feeling of shame just washed over me. It's very hard for me to process when this happens. I am reduced to one word answers and almost no emotion. I can't focus on anything but the fear. It's often very hard for me to remember what exactly was discussed when I feel this way. I know she said she saw two things that stood out to her in my post. One that there was an acknowledgement of healing on my part, with the recognition of the fact that the pain is diminishing and getting easier to handle. The other thing had to do with the paragraphs I wrote about trying to figure out why my abuse was any different than the anonymous poster's. She identified this as something that was detrimental to my healing, along the same lines as false guilt... but for the life of me I cannot remember what she said. The fear had already taken over.

I keep revisiting it in hopes to conjure up some sort of new information, but so far I'm coming up blank.