Did I even breathe today?

1. Woke up at 9:30
2. Started laundry
3. 10:45 appt to drop off (new) car to get front 2 windows tinted
4. Picked up by D and taken to chiro
5. Got adjusted
6. Back to pick up (new) car, finished windows in 30 mins
7. Drop off D's car, drive to lunch
8. Order and eat lunch
9. Notice weird pain in neck
10. Go to Tar.get to pick up travel size items
11. Kill time, visit pet store
12. Buy cute cotton dress at Ro.ss for $12.99 (WOO!)
13. Run to Ho.me De.pot to visit D's husband who was sent to pick something up
14. Start feeling stabbing pain in neck
15. Call from inspection company, ready to inspect (old) car
16. Meet inspector, get (old) car inspected
17. Drive 30 mins to turn in (old) car to dealership
18. Fill out paperwork, turn over keys
19. Call chiro, wonder if adjustment messed with my neck
20. Race back to chiro and get there 5 mins before close
21. Adjusted again, no reason for neck spasms and pain
22. Drop off D at my apartment to pick up her car
23. Run to Kinko's to fax lease termination to new dealership
24. Pick up dinner from grocery store
25. Get to apartment just as tornado sirens go off (SERIOUSLY?!)
26. Take cover in bathroom with 2 cats, flashlight and cell phone
27. Emerge 30 mins later, eat dinner
28. Oh crap, laundry? Fold and wash
29. Shooting pains in neck/jaw still, web check-in to CareNow
30. Called into office, seen by doctor
31. Diagnosed with acute lymph.adentitis, given antibiotics and pain meds
32. Fill prescr.iptions, spend 3x longer there than at the doctor
33. Home at 10PM, shower
34. Phone with friend, pack, charge electronics
35. Blog about my crazy day.

Oh right... *breathe*

Hello, NY.C! I'll be back Monday night.

Crying

Gosh I hate crying, and I have been doing nothing but that since I left my session this evening. Crying makes me feel awful. Like something toxic is being pumped through my system and the off switch is broken. Crying is only nice if it is something you want to do... something you need to do. I was not expecting this and now I fear it's too late to turn around.

Whenever I am directly asked anything related to God or church in my sessions, something inside of me immediately reacts and I have to hold back the tears. It is an instant reaction. Something I have noticed, but not drawn attention to until tonight. In my homework, I mentioned something in one of my goals about not being afraid to go to church. To dig a little deeper we discussed how the social expectations of church scares me (i.e. the control is in the hands of a large group, rather than me) and then started discussing what emotions I have that cause me the instantaneous reaction of crying. I hesitated to even start down this road because one, I really can't pinpoint a specific reason and two, I'm worried that whatever that reason is, that it's going to be stupid/anti-climactic/etc. I told her it wasn't anxiety or really fear, but sad and upset. "Why are you upset?", she asked. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but I immediatley started crying and it didn't take long for me to feel myself losing control and put the brakes on. I totally railroaded our path in session, and asked to talk about anything else. Having nothing in mind, we cut it short. I hate it when I do this. I retreat at the slightest hint of feeling because it wasn't something I had the time to plan for. I really wish I could take a second and think calmly about things instead of jumping directly to a closed door. Add another goal to the list...

New Car!

I bought a new car! I got jerked around at the first dealership I went to, didn't have that "I've gotta get this car now" feeling at the second, and was going to give up but decided to try one last dealership. Success! They were able to get me within the range of payments I was shooting for, and I tell you what, this car is amazing. There are so many options that I don't even know what to do with most of them! ;) It's not as economical as previous car, but is still good considering how big it is. So excited!!

One Small Step

Today was my last day of work. Big party to celebrate!

Now normally large social gatherings that involve alcohol make me very nervous. I don't drink, so being around a large group that is, eventually gets very loud and raucous. So normally if I go to these events, I often come up with an excuse to leave long before I ever arrive. I need an out if I feel things are getting out of control (my version of it at least, by no means all that bad to most people). I left work not long after the last bell, feeling anxious because of the prospect of having an empty 11 weeks ahead of me and always feeling obligated to fill it with things I don't want to do because I really don't have an excuse not to. Then feeling as if I was entering into a situation where I normally feel completely out of control almost sent me into a panic attack. I could feel it coming on, but the tools I have now are so much more adept at staving off those attacks. I was able to talk myself down and have a little pep talk with myself.

I arrived with about 10 staff members already there, which was comforting to me not having to wait around for conversation. We quickly had to move into the back room at the pub, as we exceeded 20+. I started off a little withdrawn, chiming into conversations as I had something to add but mostly felt a little out of place because I wasn't drinking or eating. I decided to get up to chat with my old team members who I never see because I moved departments. Ahh, back in my comfort zone. Once I got up and moving around I actually was able to enjoy myself. 2 hours passed without me even checking my watch! A lot of people had already left, but we got everyone else together for a picture (always fun when you have that many people) and I love that I have a "last memory" of my friends that are leaving. I left not long after, not feeling guilty that I left before other people, but that I stayed and enjoyed the time there. I am really learning that it is not worth worrying about what other's think about me, but listening to myself and being OK with the decisions I make.

One small step at a time.

Journal Share, Part II

Sometimes looking back is just as hard as looking forward.

January 2009
Tell your story. Three words that haunt me almost as much as the story itself. Why should telling someone be so frigthening? There is a certain notion that if I don't acknowledge it, then I can pretend (at least around others) that it didn't happen. If only it were that simple. I have two main fears about telling my story. One: The actual speaking part. Saying out loud everything that I remember about that morning. The things I would have to describe and put words to. In my head they are memories; no dialogue needed. The actions speak what the words don't. Two: The worry that once they know they won't be able to see me as anyone else. All they will remember is this story. The idea of having other people know, think about, and dissect my own personal hell scares me. I'm afraid that people won't look at me the same. I'll forever be remembered for that story and those actions.

If you could change one thing...

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if certain things hadn't have happened.

A major thorn in my side is that my mom basically "kicked" me out of the house because her new husband thought I was too old to be living at home (I was 18). So I transferred schools, where I knew some girls from high school and it was the best thing to happen to me. My college years there were the best times of my life. I got into the education program, met my best friend, and stud.ied abroad. I learned more about myself in those years than the previous 18. To think how absolutely different my life would be now if the simple act of being kicked out of the house hadn't happened really makes me wonder.

That causes me to look back even further. What if I hadn't been abused? How would my life have been different? Would I have continued being the same person I was? Outgoing and fearless? Would I have had the "normal" high school life of dating and heartbreak? Sometimes I like to think that my life would have been a storybook tale if I hadn't been abused, but that sometimes makes things worse. I already have problems blaming myself, so thinking my life would have been storybook if I had just done SOMETHING different really stings.

Leap back even futher. What happens if my parents never got divorced? You could argue that I would have never been abused, but there is no way to know that. He was a family friend who would have still been around if my parents were together. Yes, he had more means and opportunity because he moved into the house when they both divorced, but just thinking about the possibility that what I went through might not have ever happened makes me view my parents' divorce in a very dark light.

It's so weird to be in my head wishing these things to never have happened, but to realize that it would completely erase who I am. I would not exist.

Hatred

All I want to do is cry. Life was going along pleasantly, then nothing happened. No trigger, no event.

Feeling that something was going to erupt inside myself, I grabbed my journal, turned on the shower and curled up on the bathroom floor (old habit to "escape") and just let my pencil do the driving. What I was left with is sheer hatred of who I am. I want nothing more than for someone to agree with me. To tell me I am this awful person who deserves everything she got. It takes too much energy to hope that there is good underneath all of these flaws. Too much energy to fake the good to balance it with the bad.

I feel empty and alone today.

A Quiet Minute

My life has been a constant flurry of activity these past few weeks. Only now am I able to sit down with no distractions and write about things going on in my life right now.

Work: I am amazing. Got some results back that put me at the top of my co-workers in the same category. Woo!!

Summer Plans: This will be the first summer in 3 years that I will not be in Pa.ris. I am bummed :( My college buddy and I are going to NY.C from June 11-15. Family reunion in Colo.rado from June 18-23. Annual summer trip to Ca.li to visit my dad; sometime in July. Road trip to Hou.ston to see the girls I graduated the education program with; sometime in July.

Health: MRI last week gave the severity of my bul.ging disc, still within the treatable range for chiropractic care. Started anti-inflam.matories this week and am seeing some relief. Hopefully allowing those muscles around my spine time to relax will help with my healing. Not sure what I'm going to do if this doesn't work.

Family: It's almost been a month since my cousin died. Thinking about her makes me mad at the world for not making sense.

Counseling: I've so overloaded lately that my normal introspective nature has taken a holiday. I have not been thinking about or looking into things that I really should be. That being said, my homework for this last week was to identify a thought every day that fit into a list of beliefs I have (however untrue or unrealistic) and while I didn't come up with one every single day, the few that I did were loaded with history. One, involving my last relationship (using the term loosely), is something I have never talked about in depth with anyone. To say I felt anxious about discussing anything doing with intimacy would be an understatement. I'm not even sure if I took a breath the whole time. Even though I felt safe and trusted that I was going to be supported, it was a definite leap out of my comfort zone.

I have writer's block. My mind is thinking a million things but nothing complete enough to form sentences or even make sense. UGH. I hate processing through so much stuff.

Blur

Man alive, these last two weeks have been a blur. I don't even remember what I did last week to tell you the truth.

My best friend and her baby stayed with me this week. They were supposed to stay Monday and Tuesday night, but because of some selfish acts on the part of her husband they were forced to stay another unscheduled night. I loved having her and the baby, but her mom and husband were a little much to deal with in my little one bedroom apartment. Wednesday I had an MR.I to find out the severity of the problems with my back, since treatment wasn't giving me the progress that is normally seen in the time I have been going. Thankfully I do not have a bulging disc past 5mm in progression according to the scans, but apparently mine is pressed up against the nerves in my back and is resistant to improve.

I am at the point where I am almost disgusted with myself. My weight continues to climb and my motivation continues to drop. I haven't been working out at an intensity that will really help me lose weight because it almost always causes me to slide backwards in progress with my back. I have been allowing myself to mindlessly eat, with no regards to the reason except boredom. I am sad, and I hate myself for letting it get this bad. I've gained 15 lbs in the last 18 months. Ughhhh. Thankfully my clothes still fit nicely, but I have got to get this under control.

Too many good season finales on tonight to spend more time on here... hopefully I can catch up on blog reading this weekend!

Free Food

It's Workers Appreciation Week, i.e. make Lily fat week. Free Chi.ck-Fi.l-A today, but at least I put my chicken in a salad when I got home. We also had catered breakfast this morning. I was strong and didn't go into the workroom, so what do they do? Bring it into the copy room. Ugh, those 2 donuts I did not need. Thursday they are catering lunch for us, but I never go down there for lunch so I should be good.

I'm still feeling somewhat pessimistic and grouchy overall. I think part of my problem is that I haven't been able to workout (per doctor's orders). I found out today that in addition to the previous diagnosed problems (L5-S1 bulging disc, pinched nerves and sciatica) that I now have a rib sublux.ation that has been causing the pain in my upper back/shoulder blade. Breathing hurts, even sleeping hurts. To add onto all that, I have come down with a lovely cold and have been coughing all day. Ouch.

Counseling today was a lot more insightful than I expected it to be. I was not in the mood to be reflective on anything, but it doesn't take long for me to feel comfortable and forget that I wanted to hold back. We went over my homework from a few weeks ago (T's sudden death took the front page the last two weeks) over my perspectives of life. Wow was that a depressing list to read. They don't seem so bad when you think them one by one, but listed out on paper it is very revealing to how I think. Looking at lists like that is very overwhelming to me because somewhere in the back of my mind I think that the only way I can make any progress is to completely change the way I think and act. Heaven forbid something is a small change... it can't work if it isn't a huge, drastic thing right? Heh. Hearing her say that I don't have to change the way that I think about everything was very comforting to hear and not something I would have ever thought was possible really. I need to work more on taking what I think and not generalizing it to every person and situation... that is where I struggle. And that is my homework for next week. Should be interesting.