Reflections of 2008

On the eve of the last day of 2008, I have been reflecting over the past year. If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I thought I would ever have a more difficult span of 12 months, my answer would have been "no way!" But now that I have lived through the past 12 months, I find it hard to remember what it is like to be "happy". My previous definition of happy had everything to do with denial of my past, being happy with how things were in the present and how things may have looked for the future. A year ago I was "happy". Now I am neither happy as I used to see it, or happy as it is now. I am sad. I am hurt. I am angry. I am fragile. I have chosen to be all these things alone.

No one truly knows how hard this year has been for me. I have chosen to shield them all from that, mainly for my own protection but to also for the protection of specific people. I have chosen to suffer in silence because I have been shown that I can't rely on the people who surround me. My family, most of my friends, etc. It's a very tough road to travel alone, but I honestly relish it most of the time. Without the eyes of others upon me, I feel free to do what needs to be done for me, not because I'm worried about how my actions will affect others.

This year has been the hardest of my life. I honestly don't think there will be a sequence of events that will have me suffer as much as I have in 2008. Part of this comforts me, but the more rational part of me realizes that with this much pain, there is that much healing necessary. 2009 will be a hard year, too... but in a different form. I will no longer be spiraling a point so low I thought I would never return, but will be working to pull myself away from rock-bottom to a point at which I can be happy again. Happy not as I used to know it, but happy as how God intended.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas! I really wasn't looking forward to today, but was pleasantly surprised. I was able to enjoy the time I spent at home, opening presents and visiting with my family. I got some really good presents this year, way more than I asked for or even feel I deserve, but I have had an awful year so I guess Santa is rewarding me. My sister spent way too much money on me, and I felt guilty for not doing the same... but that guilt was short lived.

We planned to (about 6 weeks ago) drive to Kan.sas to visit our aunt, uncle and cousins tomorrow and stay til Sunday. I was going to fly from there out to Cal.iforn.ia to spend the rest of my break visiting my dad and stepmom. My dad booked a hotel for us but sent me the confirmation, my sister never heard back from him so she thought that it meant our plans were still tentative. So, much to my chagrin, she has made other plans to go with her friends to a condo in Col.orado and wants to have the weekend to relax. Wonderful! I was excited to go, but she was driving and I can't drive there myself since I'll be flying back next week. Multiple snafu's to fix at once... having to tell my aunt/uncle (and cousin who is PISSED) that we are not coming now, having to cancel the hotel that my dad booked, having to change the flights my dad booked... all because she changed her mind. All the while, my dad and stepmom are MIA, not answering any of their phones. So they have no idea that we are not going to KS, that I had to change my flight and that I am now going to be there at 1PM tomorrow. I'm thinking they're not going to be too happy.

I however am kind of relieved to not have to drive 8 hours tomorrow then fly 5 hours on Sunday, to follow up with a 3 hour flight back next Friday. The prospect of being in the mountains tomorrow is very appealling.

One of those days

I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My body is so drained from the panic that consumed me today... only now am I coming down from that, and I am feeling it right down into my bones.

I had one of the hardest sessions of my life today. I told myself before I went in there that I was going to read out loud the letter I had written and not allow myself to make excuses. Easier said than done. I think it took me close to 25 minutes to read the first paragraph. I had the onset of a panic attack as I kept reading and I could not stop shaking for the majority of the time... all because of words. Words on a piece of paper. Who knew the truth could be that terrifying? One paragraph was so hard for me to read I completely broke down right in the middle of it... ugh. I hate crying in front of people. I feel so weak when I do that but I just could not stave off the panic AND the emotions all at once, so I made the decision to cry a little in return for not completely freaking out in her office. Life's a trade off right?

In retrospect, I am very glad I was able to read it all in one session, especially since I won't be able to go back for another 2 weeks. Had I not done it, I would have looked down on myself for being so weak and not doing the best I could. At the very least, I accomplished that. But now, I have all these emotions out, they are no longer just a part of my thoughts... but now A knows about them. I know that they are as safe with her as they were in my head, but it's amazing how much more real it makes this entire situation.

I'm hoping I can sleep tonight without any more nightmares. I had one Sunday night that kept me up for a long time. Sometimes living alone is not such a great thing.

Triggers

So my first official day of winter break has been draining. I have had more anxiety in a 2 hour time period than I have in quite some time... oh the joys of triggers. I had an appointment for my annual exam with my OBGYN. I'd put it off for almost 8 months and couldn't justify going any further even though current events in my life had me an absolute basket case. I knew I needed to tell her about my past, but I just wasn't sure how. I got there and immediately started feeling panicky. While sitting in the exam room, wearing the dinky little robe and being covered with a sheet, I started shaking. Not because I was cold but because I was so nervous. She walked in, we exchanged greetings, discussed changes in medications, menstruation, etc when I took my turn. I honestly don't remember all that I said, just that I was so tense and shaking the whole time and I was trying not to cry. I am proud of myself, that I was able to do something that I knew would be hard for me, but would be the best for me as well. I had never told her anything about abuse in my past and as my doctor for the past 6 years she should know. I don't remember much of the exam, though. When I get really panicked/threatened/anxious, I retreat to this place in the back of my mind where no thought/memory is allowed. I remember feeling some pain this time, which was new, but I chalk that up to being so damn tense. Aside from that I couldn't tell you if she talked to me or not, if I was there for 5 minutes or 20. It was my goal to not do this, to be more in tune with what was going on because retreating the way I do is not how I should be coping anymore... but it was just too much in a short period of time. I guess I'll get another shot next year.

I have a session tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. The "homework" I was given was extremely hard for me to do, and again I felt so threatened by it that I shutdown and went into "self-presevation" mode. I wrote about it, but from a distant, disconnected perspective. I didn't think about what I was writing nor did I let it affect me. We'll see how that goes when I share it tomorrow... if I can share it. I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be a tense-free day either. At least I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight... that oughta loosen me up a bit!

Come so far, but got so far to go...

A song from my favorite movie is a pretty good definition of how I view my life right now.

I know we've come so far
But we've got so far to go
I know the road seems long
But it won't be long 'till it's time to go
So, most days we'll take it fast
And some nights lets take it slow
I know we've come so far
But baby, baby we've got so far to go!

I was writing a letter to C last night to put with a gift I got her for Christmas, reflecting on some things that I try not to let myself think about very often, namely my progress in recovery. It's almost one year to the day... and when I think back to that day, it makes me want to curl up and hide in that place in my brain where I hid so many things. Just the thought of how bad it was causes me pain. But then I think about how I view things now, and I feel like I have come so far in my perspective of my life and what I want out of it. That being said, being in counseling has slowly taken away the coping mechanisms I used as a kid to survive, which as an adult are not healthy... and that leaves me open and vulnerable to a lot of things. Progress is not fast when you feel vulnerable.

While I know I have made strides in the right direction, I am nowhere near where I hoped to be one year later. The good news is that I think I have learned more and made more progress in the past 2 months with my new counselor than I did with over the last year. I just can't let myself fall into the trap that I did over the summer. I fell back into denial and stopped going; stopped because it was too hard and denial was too easy. My life is never going to be the way I want it if I let myself fall back into denial. If I keep my eyes on God, I will be lead through the darkness to safety. There is nothing I want more than to be on the bright side of this dark place.

Does a year change everything?

So it's been almost a year since I've posted.. and not much has changed. Life as I knew it completely fell apart the last 2 weeks of 2007. I could barely function, having constant panic attacks and extreme depression. I was put on medication and was able to pass as "functioning" to most people. Only C really knew what was up... and had she not been there for me, I probably wouldn't be here today. January, February and March were awful still. I continued going to counseling and made some progress but it was so hard. I never felt really connected to her, so I didn't share a lot of things I should have. April and May picked up and I started feeling more like myself. I was in Europe for half of the summer, and Cali.forn.ia for the rest. I finally started feeling more like myself! No panic attacks, no depression!

August rolled around and I had a new challenge. I was moved to a different department and had to "find myself" among a new set of co-workers. Thankfully they are a great group, and I absolutely love it (when I swore to myself I was going to hate it!!). Things were going good (as good as denial can be) until my grandpa died. C warned me that death has a way of bringing back things you think you have buried, but she was right... the PT.SD came back with a vengeance and I started having panic attacks again. I knew I needed to get back into counseling, but with someone new. She helped me research people who were trained in the type of trauma recovery I need, and I started seeing a new counselor the last week in October. Somewhere in the mix, I've found out that the PT.SD/anxiety has started triggering physical reactions. I passed out at work one week after having a sudden onset of rapid heartbeat and spiked blood pressure. Went to the doctor, bloodwork and MRI produce nothing. Had the same thing happen last week, had an EKG today and it came back completely normal but that leaves my subconcious triggering these physical reactions. I talked to my doctor about possibly being put back on anti-anxiety meds (since I stopped taking any medication in March) and she recommended I go see a psychiatrist. I'm going to think about it...

November was rocky... I hit one of the lowest points ever and contemplated checking myself into the hospital. I should have been talking to C, but I just couldn't. I'm sick of only having these awful, depressing conversations with her. I want to be able to be happy and not unload my burdens onto her. She has a lot on her plate too. Things are somewhat stagnant right now. I have good days and bad days, although this week has been touch and go. I had to excuse myself from a meeting to go in the bathroom to ride out a panic attack. Those days are not fun.

Christmas can't get here fast enough...

P.S. I've joined a new gym and will be working a new circuit in hopes to lose more weight. I've gained 15 lbs since I started my career in 2006 and I absolutely hate my body right now. Ugh.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I've been running from this for over 10 years. I'm tired. For whatever reason, I can't run this time. I've tried pushing it back as I've always done before but I can't. This last week has been bad for me, Thursday especially. I met up with RF again and had an anxiety attack when I got home. I'm not ready. I haven't come to terms with it. I can't trust anyone until I get some help.

I went and talked to C, the counselor for my students. I love that woman. She is like a mother to me. I have never met someone so amazing. She will do anything she can to help anyone, no matter what the cost. She is going to help me find someone that can help me move on.

There is a certain peace I have felt the past few days knowing that I'm ready to face this but it scares me a lot. I never made any progress in counseling before because I was never ready. I'm pretty sure I am now. I can't let this eat away at me forever. There is no shame in asking for help... and that was (still is) very hard for me to realize.

Sabotage

So yeah, it's been a while! It's been a busy few months!

I'm posting today because I need an outlet for my thoughts. I can't talk to anyone about these feelings.. although I'm considering going back into counseling. I just hope I can afford it with my medical insurance.

About 3 weeks ago, I started up a random My.Space conversation with someone from my HS. I didn't know them personally, but knew they went there. We chatted off and on for a week or so, which gradually moved to the phone and now in person. I go through the same motions. Excited for the first date, then most of the time I'm wishing the time away until I can go home and be in my comfort zone. Dating definitely makes me nervous. If only it were as easy as it seems for my friends, or on TV. The only time I remember not being nervous and enjoying my dates is with M.. but for whatever reason we stopped talking to each other and seeing each other. I tried striking it up again this summer, but the disinterest seems to be on his side, not mine. I was never panicky when I was with him... we went on 6 or 7 dates over the span of 3 months or so and I enjoyed them all.

The one before him, MiE and I went out twice. There was no spark there. I already felt trapped into conversations with him and once I told him I wasn't interested that panicky feeling immediately disappeared. I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Now, I've been out on one "date" with the new guy.. RF as I will refer to him, and one informal get-together. I just left the informal one, and feel panicked! He wanted me to ditch one of my Christmas parties so we could go out this weekend, but of course I'm like hell no (without actually saying that). So instead we are doing something Monday.... and he's calling me tonight. I realize this is just dating, but I'm feeling rushed and it's freaking me out again. I know I sabotage relationships with people (conciously and subconciously) when I start getting uncomfortable. It's the fact that I haven't dealt with my abuse properly and I have serious trust issues. I understand that. My hormones are compounding this issue as well. I'm at the peak of craziness, between being on my period, work being insanely stressful and this dating stuff, it's just wearing on me. I'm guessing I had a slight panic attack from thinking about too much stuff at once, all the stuff that could happen, that could go wrong, that might make me uncomfortable, etc and it just snowballed. But still, that shouldn't happen and probably doesn't happen to your normal Joe. I may just ask him if we can change our date to Thursday, not be so back to back with our outings.. just to give me some peace of mind. It may tip him off, but if I don't get the time I need to adjust to all of this, I'll end up running him off anyway.

I may need to be put on medication.. but I don't think my problems are physiological, they are psychological. I've e-mailed a friend who works as a sch.ool counselor and asked her if she could recommend someone. Hopefully she can help.. if not, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met and she would help me out as much as she could. If only she practiced, she's exactly the type of person I'd look for in a counselor! If anyone reads this, thanks for listening!

A test of faith

If anyone actually reads this, I hope that all my posts aren't cynical and depressing. This is my way to share my feelings without actually telling them. I'm sure you know how therapeutic that may be.

One more change to the bridal shower plans, but I feel much better about these. Going to go with P to finish registering for her goodies on Sunday. She told me today that the plan is for her and DB to move to Spain in 2009. She wasn't expecting something that soon, but apparently that's the plan as of now. I'm trying not to get too worked up about it because his plans have changed so much over the past year and over the course of the next 18-24 months they can change many more times, but the thought of my best friend, practically my sister, the closest friend I have ever had in the world, moving 5000 miles away about put me in tears on the phone. Once they leave, they won't be coming back. He hates it here... her life is here. The thought of not having her here, 20 minutes away or even 2 hours away is not something my brain can comprehend. We were supposed to be pregnant together, and our kids were supposed to be best friends, too.

Outside of family and my friends from work, she is the only one I do stuff with. All my friends from work are married and have kids, so when the weekend comes it's she and I that are hanging out, shopping, traveling, etc. What am I going to do when she's gone? I can hope I'm in a relationship then and can take comfort and solace in the fact that I will have someone there for me.. but a guy is just not the same type of friend that a girl can be. But who's to say I'll be in a relationship? I've never been in a serious relationship. Ever. My chance of being in a relationship then are about as good as they are now. My job takes priority because I have serious trust and committment issues. Guys are just lining up. *sigh* I wonder where I'll be in 2009.. my heart wants me to be in a happy place, but my brain seems to know better.

I think I need to start praying harder.. my strength is waning and I need a sign that my future is not doomed. Is my faith in myself being tested?

A marriage ready to begin...

So I'm MOH (m.aid of ho.nor) for my best friend, D. She's getting married in June. Woo! The log.isitics of a wed.ding freak me out. I am a chronic worrier, and something as finely detailed as brid.al show.ers, bache.lorette parties and wedd.ings stress me out. The brid.al shower is coming first... out of 8 bride.smaids, only 3 live in the general area to help out with the shower. Originally what was going to be a small shower, at her apartment for 20 or so people was turned into a party of 40 now needing a room, house or restaurant. Immediately I start stressing about how much it is going to cost to feed these people (selfish I know).. but we found a restaurant with a reasonable price given we'll be having almost 40 ppl there.

$400 minimum tab, $270 is already accounted for but everyone is on their own for drinks and other menu items (which will be added to the tab for the room). We'll end up paying the difference, which I hope is not much because we still have to pay for the cake, invitations, decorations AND gift. Now I make plenty of money, and it really is no skin off my back to provide this (split this cost) to celebrate my best friend. It's just that I'm afraid I'm going to take the brunt of it, even though her mom has offered to help pay. Bless her heart, I feel bad that she's taking some of this on too as well as pay for the wedding, but part of me feels better knowing that she'll be there to help. She knows we are all (mostly) 23 and 24 year olds, fresh out of college, most with small incomes.

Why does money bother me so much sometimes? I still have a student loan to pay off (GRR), but I am a good saver for the most part, I love to shop but I am responsible with my money. Sure I bought new furniture last weekend on a whim.. spending half of my paycheck the day that it cleared. That is so unlike me... I about threw up when I handed my credit card over. And I'm a little unnerved at the $2500 credit card bill I had waiting for me tonight. Maybe that's why I looked at a $7 candle today and said "Nope, you can't afford this."

What's really killing me is how much I've been eating out. Between my mom not wanting to go home after work (who wants to live with someone you just asked for a divorce?) we've been meeting up for dinner 2-3x a week, plus the fact that I have been bit by a major lazy bug and haven't cooked in a while. I've got to change that. I do have to look good in my bridesmaid dress in June and right now I feel like a cow. My wed.ding weight goal is going to be 160 lbs. That's like 10 lbs in 4 months. I can do that right? Sure can.. done it before and I'll do it again, but we'll save that story for another time...